When someone is going through a crisis, offering support and understanding can be a challenge, especially if you’re not in their storm. Your well-meaning words can unintentionally do more harm than good. Perspective is powerful, but it can also create a gap between the experience of those going through the crisis and those on the outside looking in. To be supportive, it’s essential to avoid certain phrases and focus on empathy over perspective.
1. “I Know Exactly How You Feel”
While it may seem empathetic, claiming to know exactly how someone feels often diminishes their experience. Each crisis is unique, shaped by individual circumstances and personal history. Instead, consider saying, “I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you,” which allows the person in crisis to feel seen and respected without assuming you fully understand their feelings.
2. “Everything Happens for a Reason”
This phrase often comes from a desire to instill hope and perspective, but during a crisis, it can feel dismissive and minimize the person’s suffering. For someone in the midst of intense pain, suggesting a hidden purpose can feel isolating and invalidating. Instead, try, “This must feel impossible to make sense of right now,” or “I’m here with you, even though I can’t fully understand.”
3. “Stay Positive” or “Look on the Bright Side”
Encouraging someone to find the positive can feel supportive, but in the depths of a crisis, it can be perceived as pressure to suppress their true feelings. Trying to "stay positive" or “look on the bright side” often fails to acknowledge their current pain and can feel out of touch. Instead, say something like, “I’m here to sit with you in this,” or “It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling.”
4. “It Could Be Worse”
Comparing one person’s crisis to another’s implies that their suffering isn’t as valid, which often leaves people feeling guilty for their pain. Crises don’t need to be ranked; pain is pain. Rather than comparing, acknowledge the person’s unique experience by saying, “What you’re going through is incredibly hard,” or “It’s understandable that you’re feeling this way.”
5. “Tell Me How I Can Help”
While offering help is good, this phrase puts the burden of asking on the person in crisis, which can feel overwhelming. Instead, offer specific help, like, “I’m going to bring you dinner tomorrow if that’s okay,” or “Can I take care of your errands for the day?” These specific offers allow the person to feel supported without deciding how to reach out.
6. “Time Heals All Wounds”
Healing happens over time, but this phrase can make someone feel as if their pain is temporary and unimportant. The pain might lessen over time, but time isn’t what does the healing and telling someone that it will heal them doesn’t address the current struggle. Instead, say, “Take all the time you need to process this,” acknowledging the need for patience and gentleness and kindness.
7. “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger”
Though meant as encouragement, this statement may be too soon and too intense. Survivors of a crisis need time to heal before contemplating any “greater strength” that might emerge. Instead, validate their experience by saying, “What you’re facing would challenge anyone,” or “I’m amazed by your resilience,” which recognizes their struggle without pressure.
8. “You’re Strong; You’ll Get Through This”
Although strength is essential, this comment can make someone feel that they aren’t allowed to express weakness or vulnerability. Sometimes, people just need permission to not be okay. Instead, let them know that “It’s okay to feel weak right now,” or “It’s okay to lean on others.”
9. “Others Have Been Through This Too”
It may feel comforting to point out that others have faced similar situations, but this can come across as minimizing. Rather than focusing on others, keep the attention on the person’s unique experience. Try saying, “This is part of your story, and it’s significant.”
10. “Just Pray About It”
While prayer can be a great source of comfort, this phrase can feel dismissive to someone who needs tangible support and connection. Rather than solely suggesting prayer, consider offering, “Would you like me to pray with you?” or “I’ll keep you in my prayers, and I’m here for you in any way you need.”
11. And last but not least…
I know I said this would be a list of the top 10 things, but as I’m going through this there’s one more thing I want to add. It’s actually pretty personal, so maybe it wouldn’t apply to everyone. When I am in crisis, or even just sad, hurt, or angry, and someone asks me, “Are you okay?”
I want to smack them with my eyeballs.
My brain says, “If you thought I was okay you wouldn’t be asking. If you think I’m not okay, it would feel more authentic if you asked a different question such as, “What seems to be bothering you?” or “Do you want to talk about it?”
My interpretation of, “Are you okay?” is “I feel like I need to ask you if you are but I’m kinda hoping you’ll say you’re fine so I don’t have to engage in what looks like negative emotion.” Instead of asking me if I’m okay, I’d like people who don’t want honesty to simply not ask. Just walk away and pray for me good friend. But if you really do care, and really want me to be honest with you, because I’m gonna be, then be more specific and less cliche about it. Or just buy me a coffee.
How to Support Instead
Listen Without Judgment: Be a safe space for the person to share their feelings without rushing to provide answers.
Validate Their Feelings: Let them know their emotions are valid. Phrases like, “I can see why you’re feeling that way,” go a long way.
Be Present: Simply being there in silence, providing a listening ear, or giving them your time can be more comforting than words.
When supporting someone in crisis, keep in mind that the best responses are often the simplest. A crisis is a vulnerable time, and by choosing our words with care and empathy, we can offer meaningful support without imposing our perspective. Empathy, after all, isn’t about sharing our answers and filling the space with words but about creating a safe place for their journey through crisis and into healing..
Reader Challenge: Next time someone you know is facing a crisis, practice empathy without giving advice or solutions. Instead, try asking questions like, “How are you feeling right now?” or “Would you like to talk more about it?” Make space for their emotions without attempting to guide them toward a “silver lining.”
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