What Is Survivor’s Guilt?
Survivor’s guilt is a form of self-reproach and emotional distress that some people experience after surviving a situation where others lost life, belongings, health, or important aspects of life. This psychological phenomenon is common among trauma survivors, such as veterans, accident survivors, or anyone who has gone through something they would consider catastrophic. Survivor’s guilt manifests in a sense of unearned life, basically making survivors question why they were spared when others were not.
For those struggling with survivor’s guilt, God offers compassion and comfort. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Leaning into the Lord through prayer, meditation, and Scripture creates a sense of peace, hope, and security.
What Does Survivor’s Guilt Look Like?
Recognizing the symptoms of survivor's guilt is the first step toward understanding and healing from it. The symptoms can include:
Intrusive Thoughts: Persistent thoughts about the traumatic event, focusing on others who did not survive.
Sadness and Depression: A prolonged sense of sorrow and lack of joy, often accompanied by feelings of hopelessness.
Self-Blame and Shame: Survivors may believe they did not do enough to save others or feel ashamed that they survived.
Anxiety and Hypervigilance: Constant fear or anxiety, which may include anticipating or over-preparing for future traumas.
Avoidance Behaviors: Avoiding certain places, activities, or people that remind the survivor of the trauma.
Physical Symptoms: Survivors can experience headaches, fatigue, stomach issues, and changes in sleep patterns due to the psychological strain.
Suicidal Inclinations: If a survivor believes they should have died or cannot go on, they may have thoughts of ending their lives to bring their own sense of justice or simply because they can’t imagine living without who or what they lost.
These symptoms often overlap with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), as both stem from trauma and can have significant mental health effects if left unaddressed.
It’s important that at some point a survivor stops to acknowledge their life’s purpose. Jeremiah 29:11 states, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” This verse is a reminder that God has specific plans for each of us. Survivor’s guilt can be reframed as a calling to use our lives for good, carrying forward the love and memory of all that’s been lost.
Events that Can Cause Survivor’s Guilt
There are many reasons people feel this way, and some of them are more tangible than others. For example, if someone is in a severe car accident and walks away with little to no injury but others are seriously hurt or killed, the survivor might wonder what they could have done differently and why they came through okay physically when others did not. This is a tangible situation because what happened is known to anyone who knows there was a wreck, and they can see more clearly that the person might experience survivor’s guilt.
If a family’s home remains largely unaffected while neighbors suffered significant damage or loss from flooding or a tornado or such, they might question why their home was spared and others weren’t and feel guilty that they have their house and belongings and a place to live while others are displaced and have lost so much. It’s so hard to deal with this type of event because there’s usually nothing someone could have done differently in a natural disaster so there’s a sense of hopelessness and powerlessness that cycles alongside the survivor’s guilt.
“I should’ve done something… but there was nothing I could do.”
Or if someone is in a mass shooting incident they might find themselves feeling guilty for saving themselves by running away or even just for simply being alive at all. If someone is in close proximity to someone who is shot, the guilt can lead to feelings of overwhelming personal reproach. This kind of survivor’s guilt is especially intense because events like this are so random in nature and are so meaningless and unjust.
Then you have things like pandemics and surviving them. This is very true for health workers who saw so much loss during the Rona, and people whose immune systems didn’t succumb to it as easily, or those who recovered while others passed. And there’s the military personnel who survived combat while their comrades didn’t, thinking they should’ve done more to save them, made different decisions, or that it should have been them to die.
There are less tangible events that lead to survivor’s guilt as well. Things like your son surviving a drug overdoes while someone else’s child didn’t; not getting fired while the rest of your department loses their jobs; finding a way out of poverty, neglect, or abuse when others are trapped, don’t choose to leave, or are unable to escape. This includes trafficking victims whether they are being work trafficked or sex trafficked including made to prostitute themselves. Many who survive or escape know that there are so many who didn’t and have to face that truth on a daily basis.
Basically, if you’ve survived something that another person hasn’t, whether death is involved or not, survivor’s guilt can rise up and become an internal battle. It’s important to be able to identify it so you can move through a healing process.
Recognizing Survivor’s Guilt in Yourself or Others
Survivor’s guilt can sometimes be difficult to identify in oneself or others, as individuals may not openly discuss their internal struggles. Here are some key signs to look for:
Frequent Remorseful Language: Expressions of regret or guilt about surviving when others did not.
Overwhelming Empathy for the Lost: An intense focus on the people who were lost and the pain they experienced.
Difficulty Celebrating Life Events: Survivors may feel undeserving of joy, success, or new opportunities.
Detachment from Loved Ones: Emotional withdrawal as survivors grapple with their feelings privately.
Recognizing these signs is essential to getting the help needed to process survivor’s guilt constructively.
Healing from Survivor’s Guilt
Healing from survivor’s guilt requires intentional steps to rebuild emotional resilience and rediscover life’s meaning. Here are some practical methods:
Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings: Recognize that survivor’s guilt is a common response and that it is okay to feel this way. Avoid judging yourself or diminishing your emotions.
Remind yourself that you are having “a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.”
Discern Between Guilt and Shame: We call this challenge survivor’s guilt, but in truth, the word guilt simply implies you’ve done something wrong. Shame is actually implying that you yourself are what’s wrong. If you did something wrong, there is forgiveness once you bring it to God. If you believe you are what’s wrong, your life is wrong, your survival is wrong, the enemy of your soul wants you to drown in the shame of it.
Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your experiences and feelings. Group therapy with other survivors can also be particularly helpful, as shared experiences can offer unique support. This is why it’s so important to debrief with others as much as possible after surviving trauma and crisis. Others can help you see different perspectives you didn’t have access to.
Challenge Self-Blame with Rational Thoughts: Survivors often feel that they could have done more to prevent the trauma. It is crucial to remind yourself that trauma is rarely preventable or controllable and that your survival was not a result of taking from others. Evil happens. Pain happens. It’s a universal law and that’s not something you can strive successfully to prevent. Acceptance of this will help you move forward.
Cultivate Compassion Toward Yourself: Survivors often find it easier to show compassion toward others than toward themselves. Try to extend that same grace to yourself. Begin to speak the same words that you’d say to others to yourself in the mirror, when you’re feeling depressed, and when you begin to berate yourself for existing or enjoying life.
Honor Those Lost: Do things as an act of remembrance, charity, or service in honor of those who were lost. This can help you channel your emotions in a constructive way.
Practice Self-Care: Make time for physical and mental self-care practices. Exercise, proper sleep, and journaling can create a healthier mental environment and promote healing.
Embrace Self-forgiveness: 1 John 1:9 tells us, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Survivor’s guilt often stems from self-blame, but God reminds us that forgiveness is available, even for perceived failures.
Embracing Life Beyond Survivor’s Guilt
Healing from survivor’s guilt is not an overnight process, but with self-compassion, support, and reliance on God, you can find peace and purpose again. Survivor’s guilt does not have to define your story; but it is a real part of a journey that can lead to a place of gratitude, understanding, and faith. Remember, life is a gift, and choosing to honor it can serve as a testament to the lives and the past we want to remember.
Survivor’s guilt is deeply personal, but with community, counseling, and God’s grace, we can find hope and healing. Consider reaching out to others for support, whether through your church, a support group, or therapy, and remember that you are not alone in this journey. Healing takes time, but God is faithful to be with us every step of the way.
Reader Challenge:
Reflect on any experiences of guilt or regret that may linger, and consider whether these align with survivor's guilt. Write down three things that you're grateful for and one way you could honor those affected by the situation. If this resonates deeply, think about joining a support group or speaking to a counselor to further explore these feelings.
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